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by Bernadette Yarnot

The House Exists

Above is a (mostly) accurate representation of the house.  I know that I've got at least one of the doors on backwards, and the scale is a bit screwy (I did this from memory), but a few points are exactly correct:

The house is only about 15 feet across, at most eighteen.

The front door opens into the stairs.

In the kitchen, the two counters are actually taken up mostly by the sink and the stove, and there is a big open space in the middle for no good purpose.

In the back bedroom, the main door and the closet door cannot be opened at the same time (my friends removed the closet door.)

The cellar stairs are frighteningly uneven.

The washer/dryer in the laundry room had to be positioned right in front of the door, and the door couldn't open all the way.

There was a blocked off area that we finally decided must be the water heater, as we never did smell a body.

Aside from the visible points, there were a few things that I couldn't make visible on the blueprint:

The only windows that opened on the first floor were in the back bedroom, and those were inadequately secured (as we discovered after a successful burglary.)

There were likewise no screen doors, and when the temperature climbed above 90º, it was swelteringly hot.

The house was on an alley.  Literally.  If a car swerved a few inches, it would crash into the side of the house.

There was no true grounding for the wiring system.  It looked like it was grounded, but that was only the faceplates.

The house boasted three bedrooms but only two closets.

There were no light fixtures in the front room.

There were thirteen stairs to the second floor.

The whole house gave the impression of ill-conceived design, the sort of house a 20-something guy who has never lived on his own would build in his spare time.  No storage, no closets, no way to open the front door all the way...

The house exists.  And if you're ever renting in Spokane, email me and I'll tell you where (and who) to avoid.

Have you ever lived in an awful house?  Talk to me.

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